I miss the quirks

I miss little man's childhood.

Little man is not so little anymore.  At 12 years of age it is obvious he won't hit 6', but he is already as tall as I am. 

If you are not looking closely as he walks towards you you would never know that 5 years ago he walked on his toes.
I miss the toe walking. Now he has a slight hunch when he walks, but that fits right in with the slouching so many of the preteens are doing.

Not so little man has worked hard on learning his "IBNice's" (this is what he calls social skills, lol).  He now makes fleeting eye contance with cashiers and says thanks-without any comments about their appearance.  I miss the holy hannah honest comments he'd blurt out, I miss the recitations of his favourite bits of information.  I miss that naive little man that was so very honest.

Watching him with his peers, tapping his pencil against his leg I am grateful that he has less awkward stims.  Yet, my heart hurts a little, remembering his toe rocking and circle pacing.  His pet phrases that he would mutter-oblivious to the strange looks his muttering gathered from those about him. 

Not So Little Man has been getting on the bus just fine, heading to the new school via the 35 minute bus ride wihtout a hitch.  Although his new school found it neccessary to switch his classroom FIVE times ont he first day of school, the last switch taking him out of the only classroom where he had a buddy, Not So Little Man handled it all beautifully-saving his meltdown for home (and it was barely a meltdown).  I feel bereft, uneeded and a bit lost.  I miss him needing me. 

Selfish thoughts, I know.  Please do not think that I am not bursting at the seams with pride-I am thrilled that he is doing so well.  A little surprised, but absolutely giddy.  It is just that there is that little piece of my heart that is sad to see his childhood vanish into young adulthood.  Sad that my role is not as integral as it once was, teary that so much time has gone by.

I am set adrift too.  My routines over the last 12 years changed drastically over the last six months.  My two youngest are becoming so very independant.  My nephew coming to stay with us.  New disabilities to deal with (nephew has a range of issues-none of which are autism) that I personally have found to be more trying than autism was for us.

I am working full time, the kiddies are gone from 8 until 430 (rural).  Things have changed.
On top of all that change is watching my youngest, this Not So Little Man grow into himself with a confidence I had not expected from him. 

Hugs, Teary Laughter and Sunshine Thoughts,
Angela