I just read your post on AoA here
My heart goes out to you and your family. Being a mommy is not the easiest task, I know. When, as a parent we are faced with the reality that our precious child is not the same as other people, we have the right to feel angry and bitter, to grieve and mourn. We had expectations for our child, for our relationship with that child. It is very normal and natural to go through a mourning stage when we discover that these expectations will not match reality.
But Julie, as a mom, we have to let go of that selfish anger and bitterness. We have to bury those expectations and open our hearts to new dreams and goals. We have to let go of the grief. We simply must get past that very selfish grieving stage, Julie, because as Mom's we have a very important job-to love our child unconditionally.
I am not saying it is easy Julie. You will have to find your way to your child. She may not react the way you expect her to, but she does in fact have reactions. She may not communicate how or when you would expect her to, but she will in fact communicate. It will be your job, Julie to learn to understand this beautiful child you have been gifted with. Don't mistake me Julie, I know this is not the child you thought you were getting, but I promise you that if you learn to love this child BECAUSE of her differences, unconditionally accept her the way she is, let her teach YOU how to communicate with her, relate to her, interact with-you will be astonished by how much she will add to your life.
Your pain does not serve you or your loved ones well, Julie. Your resentment that you did not get the child you expected, that resentment will spill over teaching your other children to resent as well. Your daughter may not demonstrate her intelligence in the ways you would expect, but she is taking in information Julie. How must it feel to her? Your disappointment and rejection of her, your frustration anger and selfish bitterness?
Please Julie, do not misunderstand. Every parent goes through feeling helpless, sorry for themselves, angry and bitter. More so a parent that finds out their child is not typical (why me! it's not fair!) and yet more so a parent that looses a child. But living there, in that pit of pain and hurt and anger-harms you, harms your family and damages everyone you come in contact with.
Julie, please, put aside all your preconceived notions of what your child should do, how your child should be and love her with all you are. Learn to listen to her, learn to LEARN from her.
Feel pride in her accomplishments, accept that some of her behaviours are necessary-for her. Look at your child without the bitterness changing your view. Note how beautiful she is. Let yourself accept her, just as she is.
And the journey will begin, taking you places that will fill you with fierce joy, pride and love.