To my mother (She was looking quite rough)
"Grandma! I thought you were great grandma as you are looking quite old today. Do people get old that fast?"
To my 'brother'
"Did you know unca, that you are incredible fat? Obesity is the quite rampant in our country and appears to be linked to diabetes"
"You would be quite pretty if it werent for you pimple and your old face and your large breasts"
'thanks kiddo' laughing
"How do you do things?"
'hmm? what do you mean. Use different words so I can understand'
"How do you do things that need you to bend?"
'what do you mean? I just bend if I need to?' (confused)
"How do you do things that need you to bend, with large breasts to bring your balance to zero?"
'With practice. Remember that mentioning body parts that are covered by clothing is not polite"(trying not to laugh)
"Polite is manners. Manners are often also lies. One does not lie to a mom."
To his step dad (upon having stolen the chair, and remote while stepdad used the washroom. Stepdad returns, laughs and says-'give me back my chair and the remote please'
"I will not"
"I will not. I have decided to educate your mind with some exposure to spongebob"
To me concerning a battle about the lack of yogurt tubes in the house:
"I want a yogurt tube"
'You will have to get over that, hon. There are none'
"I want a yogurt tube, please"
'I do not have a yogurt tube to give you. What is your second choice?'
"I want a yogurt tube, please, frozen or not, cherry or not."
'We do not have yogurt tubes, frozen or not, cherry or not.'
"I want one. You must have one" (working up to a fit)
'Are you sure this is about yogurt tubes? You are getting quite upset.'
"ITS ALWAYS ABOUT THE YOGURT TUBES!!" he yells. "ALL of it!! Yogurt tubes, frozen or not, cherry or not, it is ALL ABOUT THE TUBES!" (melt down)
To me about his sister, concerning flatuance:
"Oh I know, my sister is quite gassy. She farts all the time!"
To a clerk at the grocery store. (after she gave him a sticker)
"Thank you. I would add ma'am or sir but your clothes could be for a boy or girl, your hair could be for a boy or girl....and I am way too polite to check for breasts"
(She thanked him for being way to polite to check for breasts, lol)
To his teacher:
"Excuse me, you are in my personal space. I know this as I can smell your lunch"
To his doctor:
"Are you quite certain you are certified? Can you tell me how the circulatory system works?"
The barber incident:
Firstly, my son is fascinated with the respiratory system and teh circulatory system. He sat in the chair, and proceded to quote his entire textbook on blood flow and platelettes etc to the barber.
This speech was interrupted with random comments
"What is that blue liquid you placed the comb into?"
"HA! That's quite funny. That's almost a pun, do you understand why it is funny?"
'hmmm, why dont you tell me'
"Because!!! You are a barber, and you put your combs in BARBERCIDE!!! HAHAHAHA'
(more babble about the circulatory system)
"Would you like to know another funny thing?"
"You are a barber, and you are bald!!"
'Bored?' (Not understanding with the speech imperfections)
"no hair!! Bald. I am certain this does not mean bored."
(more science babble)
'Do you get your love of science from your Dad?' (Nods towards my husband)
"That is not my Dad. That is my step father. He is like a Dad but Different. I am certain one does not 'get' things like this from a step dad. Although he does give me presents sometimes. And lectures."
'Do you get your love of science from your Biological Dad?'
"What is a biological Dad?"
'Um, that is the Dad you came from'
(shoots a look of contempt at the barber)
"Babies do not come from Dads. They come from mommy's. Did you not know this?"
'Uh, the dad that helped make you...'(flustered)
"How does a dad help make a baby? Do YOU know? I know a baby grows inside a mommy but not how the Dad helps with this."
'ummm' (way past flustered, with myself and my husband laughing hysterically.)
Funniest hour of my life. Truly.
Hugs and laughter